Driven

Sometimes I remind myself of my kids when they were toddlers.  Each would get so tired, going and going, that we’d have “the pre-crash crazies” – a burst of child exuberance — quickly followed by the crankiness of being over tired.  Fussy and hard to settle into bed.

This morning, I pushed myself to get up early, do yoga, meditate, get ready for school, drive in and begin the day.  I saw a reading group dominated by one second grade character who has issues, and then I figured out which color system in Fountas & Pinnell has enough books for take home at the new group levels, and I mixed and matched where there were holes.  I insured that the support materials were all in files and placed in easy grasp.  I finally finished putting away the zillion materials from the previous intervention.  I actually enjoy getting projects done and being driven.

I should have felt really good that it was organized and ready.  I made a few changes, confirming schedules, and I should have felt great that I can resume meeting with groups.  I went to the staff room, cut up an avocado and veggies and ate lunch.  The teacher talk mostly floated over and around me.  I was in neutral gear.

I went back to my room, the downpour now making the covered hallways slick,  with a sickening amount of worms who’ve left the compacted lawn to try to escape drowning. They have not escaped the feet of many students.

At my desk, I sat and took stock.  Lunch had made me feel poorly, not refreshed.  My hands and mind felt leaden.  I remembered the bloody mucus that came out of my nose this morning.  My throat sore and sinuses achy.  Then the self-diagnosis registered.  It began to all add up to a zero total of energy.  Being driven was going to have a different meaning today.

I got my purse, put away the laptop and walked to the office.  “Please sign me out, I’m not feeling well.”  The secretary looked at me and nodded. I drove myself home in a torrential rain, with everything grey.  Streets, sky, my mood.

When I got home I crawled under blankets feeling chilled to the bone and fell into a hard sleep.  A couple hours later, I awoke because Mom was laughing on the phone.  It pulled me out of a weird dream in which I was working and it was raining and I was working and it was raining even in the office rooms.  Strange.

So, now I’m sitting up in bed after making mom and me tofu with ginger and broth.  I’m going to stay in the garage of rest and recovery.  Get a recharge.

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